But the first few days on it were like going from one nightmare to a different one, where i was actually scared of how I felt. Seeing a pile of dishes in the sink made me want to smash something. Fortunately the effects came mostly in the evening, but i was afraid of sudden deep rage bursting out at any of my three little kiddos. And then I switched around the order and times I took my drugs (and had a lot of friends and family praying for me), and just when I was about to give up, i woke up happy. I know life isn't all about feeling happy, but when you haven't felt much real, deep delight and joy in a while, it's almost a miracle when suddenly it starts to come back, literally overnight. And suddenly instead of being able to do nothing but cry for no reason and just try to hang on, you suddenly notice how much you LOvE your kids and your husband, and you feel like weeding the garden and then take the kids outside with you and do it, and when you finally go to church you are excited and not even rushing around beforehand stresses you out. Of course, there are still many rough days (kids don't nap, I don't sleep at night, kids get sick, I get sick, it gets to be an exta-horomonal time of month, etc - but those are all expected triggers and that helps to know). I'd say 75-80% of the time there is a noticeable difference and it is incredible and wonderful. Thank you to everyone who's been praying for me!
I know drugs don't cure everything, but i'm so grateful for them. It's nice when therapy works and you don't need anything else, i'm sure, but ain't nobody (with very small children) got time for that. I've always been afraid of people judging me for choices like this, but more and more I'm too grateful for the goodness of God in medicine to care so much. If some people are skeptical of depression being a real, physical ailment, i know now just how much it is, and i know how much it helps to understand what is wrong and for my husband to understand, and to get help (physical, emotional, and psychiatric). It's humbling, but it's also so much easier for me to just be upfront about what's going on...on my blog, at least. :)
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