The body

YMy body and mind have been through the wringer lately, and I don't like it much. I remember making fun of an ad 10 or 15 years ago that said "Depression hurts." How little did i know! In addition to regular new mom exhaustion is a bone-deep exhaustion that keeps me from wanting to quiet my fussy baby by wearing him in a wrap, for example. Combined with mental anguish, i have often wondered lately how i am even going to survive. (Today, however, is a really good day - those do still happen.) But it's things like this that make me incredibly thankful that i've been able to get out of bed in the mornings and that most of the time my kids fill me with joy rather than resentment, because I know this could be so much worse. I'm thankful for a husband who faithfully puts his arms around me when i have my what-seems-like-nightly breakdown and who works from home when i am overwhelmed with terror at being home alone with the kids. And i'm thankful for a God who always eventually seeps peace into my soul when all i can do is cry out over and over "Help me!" (No please about it.)

Anyway, naturally all this makes me very aware of being weak and needy. And it's hard for me to accept the fact that i need so much help (although i am SO grateful for everyone who has been helping and taking the kids and bringing dinner over and praying for me). I often feel quite guilty about being so useless. But today i was listening to 1 Corinthians 12 in The Message and filled with encouragement by the analogy of each and every one of us who love Jesus being a part of his body -- and a part given dignity by being made a part of Christ's body, no matter how insignificant. I may feel like an appendix lately, but God placed me in the body of the church as a part precious to him. So i'm glad there are so many white blood cells rushing to help me get healthy. :)