Christmas + Aleppo

I looked at the latest pictures from Aleppo on instagram. I knew it would be hard; i expected all the weeping that came with it. Fathers carrying little girls with frilly pants and purple boots, just like Kayl n and Penny. A little boy Link's age clutching his father. Mothers holding babies. The book of Isaiah in real life. We can weep with them, and pray for thrm, and give generously to them, and protest loudly those governments that lend a hand to the slaughter. That's not enough. I can be a mom who loves justice and mercy and hope my kids grow up strongly feeling the same (oh, i want to be! Sorry for the yelling today, guys). I suppose, though, that it's no coincidence that this is happening now, when "O come, o come, Emmanuel" is already on our lips. Because the survivors of Aleppo (Oh, God, let there be more than would seem possible) and I and some shepherds and wise men all have the same need: God with us. One who does not abandon us, but becomes pleased as man with men to dwell, "veiled in flesh the God-head see." It's not being trite; it's the most humbling and glorious thing i've ever heard. And that is why, mixed in with grief and tears and many prayers, the best thing i can do is keep reading Isaiah...and Matthew and Luke...and sing those carols again and again.  And late though it is (too late, because we've been sick for weeks and i am bone-weary), i'm gonna listen to Pentatonix sing "Mary, Did You Know?" Because an ambulance came our neighbor across the street. Because i still remember that little baby I lost in utero. And because i remember my sins, which seem especially obvious this time of year. (It's so much easier to give oresents than to constantly give of myself to sweet, wild, messy, cranky kids.) And because Aleppo.

"He rules the world with truth & grace!
And makes the nations prove
The glories of his righteousness
And wonders of his love."

I Deserve?

It's rough still. The kids are growing, and I feel outnumbered. But they love to climb, and run, and snuggle, and often try to climb on me. (Penny!) It's a joy, but it is also very hard to climb out of the very deep pit of weariness.

Anyway. God shows his goodness in times like these. I've been listening to the Bible (The Message, in fact) a lot. I accidentally skipped Numbers while on-purpose skipping Leviticus, although perhaps that's just as well, but this story of redemption and love and faithfulness even in the early years of God's (often faithless) people is a deep encouragement that quite honestly i didn't expect. We NEED to hear these stories, just like the children of Israel did.

I've also rediscovered Third Day. Not the Third Day of the last decade or so. The beautifully gritty Third Day of Conspiracy No. 5, which includes lyrics like "He deserves the very best. But he loves her none the less" ("Gomer's Theme"). It's actually one of my all-time favorite albums, even if i forgot about it for so long. Is it bad to feel like they were sell-outs in reverse? Because they nailed the rock-n-roll and songs about life and guilt and forgiveness and hope.

The real reason i'm finally spurred on to writing a real blog post, though, is that Jason and I watched The Free State of Jones tonight. It was so, so good in a heartbreaking and humbling way. I'd read enough American history to expect a lot of what was coming, but seeing it is different. I knew a certain character would meet a horrible death, based on countless others who met similar horrible and unjust deaths in history, and i looked away for a long time from the screen. I wish i had cried then, too, but what actually brought the tears was free black men voting - attempting to vote - for the first time. Our country is and has been seriously f***ed up, and this made me realize how deeply merciful God has actually been to us. Americans, not so long ago at all, deemed it illegal for a white man to marry a black woman, or vice versa. They didn't believe this: "A man can own a mule. A man can own a horse. A man cannot own a child of God." I'm afraid of what our country could look like for my kids; but how many mothers still fear for their children on daily basis, because of hundreds of years of history up to the present? Dear God, please don't visit the sins of the parents onto the children. (At least not for more than four years, because our judgement may indeed be arriving.)

But tying this back to Third Day and Deuteronomy, The Free State of Jones points to humility and repentance and that as a child of God there is a freedom that cannot be taken. And i would add that even in the face of threats and tribulations, I pray I would not back down, would not brush evil under the rug just so things could be easy. That scares me, but much less than saying and doing nothing does. And...I got the Holy Spirit. He who is in us is greater than he that is in the world -- and the gates of hell (which might look a lot like the South in its sins against humanity. Or ISIS in its atrocities) WILL NOT PREVAIL.

Mental health

I dunno, guys. I think i'm starting to get mostly better, maybe? -- but it's hard to get very excited yet. Warmer, sunny weather makes a world of difference. So does having had a year to recover physically. I know i'm getting stronger, and that helps give me a tad more confidence. Sometimes i still think I'm just going to die because i can't possibly make it through a rough day, but then i keep praying, and giving my kids hugs and asking forgiveness when i lose it with them, and keep taking deep breaths, and then it's close to 4:00 and I realize i'm going to make it without having a panic attack or begging Jason to come work from home because I'm so scared of being alone with three kids four and under (barely, barely four). And that's something i'm so thankful for! (I'm sure Jason is, too...)

I still don't go anywhere with all three kids, and i feel overwhelmed most days. There are still days when I feel like nothing will ever be good again, but there are also days when i just feel happy for no particular reason, and that fills me with hope. Certainly God is with me in the darkness in ways i never would have known otherwise, but it's also really nice to be appreciating beauty and sunshine and people in ways that were impossible even a couple months ago. I feel like I can fight now, instead of be toppled and suffocated so quickly by depression. 

Thank you, Jesus. 

Also, speaking of thanking God, Penny thanked him tonight for each and every family member's hair. Perhaps she instinctively knows God knows every hair of heads, and cares for us greatly. 

Easy oatmeal

I use paper plates. Like, a lot. So you can guess how i feel about scrubbing gross leftover oatmeal out of a pan after breakfast. (Not wanting to do dishes is the mother of invention for me, apparently.)

If you also dislike cleaning up oatmeal remains and like to have breakfast ready in roughly two minutes, here is my favorite new way to cook oatmeal. I have an electric tea kettle, but i think this would still work without it. More time, but still less mess than the traditional stovetop method. 

Anyway. To make quick oatmeal without quick oats: start water boiling in a kettle. Dump some oatmeal into a bowl -- a fairly wide, shallow one to prevent boiling over. Once the water is fairly hot, pour enough to just cover the oats. I usually let it sit for anywhere from 10-60 seconds, depending on how long i've put off getting out of bed...the goal is to just let the oats soak up the water a bit. (A "bibit," as Pen says.)

Next, pop it in the microwave for 25-40 seconds. It takes a surprisingly short time to get very soft oatmeal. 

And then i distribute the oatmeal into smaller bowls for the kids. And only give Lincoln some if i can't find anything else, because one-year-olds + oatmeal = big, big mess. 

Flat bribery

It's been a rough-ish few months. As always. But there are definitely some fun times, especially as the girls get older and talk more. And Lincoln is his usual cheerful self. 

Everyone always says that routine is helpful and important, but what about when you stay in bed as long as possible (so, like 7:30...), even if it means one kid keeps elbowing you in the face as she watches the ipad and another sends crazy emoji-full texts to your mom because you gave her your phone to buy more time? I realize there are all sorts of "well, just try THIS" (or that) that i could be told and even that i try, but getting them fed and settling fights and so on when you have three really quite small people vying for attention makes my brain foggy. 

However, i did finally get one "routine" thing going; and although i wish i could say it was something like reading piles of books every day or memorizing something, this is pretty satisfactory to all parties. I stocked up on goodies from Target's $1 section when they had a 70% off sale, and then opened all the packages so everything was an individual prize -- no two packs of Disney princess lip gloss for you kids, sorry -- and put it all in a basket. And then i made a chart for emptying the trash, and every time one of the girls empties a small trash can into the big kitchen trash (with all the diapers we go through, this is a constant need), she gets a mark on the chart. This has led to waaaaay more enthusiasm for picking up garbage than i had imagined   I love it. They caught on quick, and now i never have to point out a full trash can. 

A hot January

It's nice that it's been so warm this week (up to 60 degrees yesterday!), because the kids love playing outside without coats and mittens. Wednesday, Kaylen fell out of our apple tree and bloodied her lips and nose and chin, but yesterday she was ready to go out and play again for two hours. 

It was awesome. I got to be outside for a while, too, and definitely experienced some spring-induced euphoria, which is especially nice because most of the time I forget what that really deep feeling of happiness is like. (Not that that needs to be experienced often; it's just pleasant to realize that i *can* still feel these things.) 

Today is a day where i barely have the energy to get out of bed, but it's good to have the reminder of yesterday. It's true that "Spring always comes" -- and not, as i was thinking miserably last week, just at the resurrection. Although that will be a glory far beyond even springtime can leas us to imagine!

Merry Christmas!

I'm sick and Kaylen is much sicker, unfortunately, but after all my initial "this isn't fair!"-ing I realized that Mary probably was not thrilled to be going into a labor on a bed of hay, but that turned out well. There's no reason Christmas NEEDS to be a magical, disease-free time; the magic has already happened and is worth celebrating even if that looks like stocking up on pizzas at Lucky's and watching TV in bed...

And there was very seriously-asked question by Kaylen: "Daddy, is Santa scared of little kids?"