Mental health

I dunno, guys. I think i'm starting to get mostly better, maybe? -- but it's hard to get very excited yet. Warmer, sunny weather makes a world of difference. So does having had a year to recover physically. I know i'm getting stronger, and that helps give me a tad more confidence. Sometimes i still think I'm just going to die because i can't possibly make it through a rough day, but then i keep praying, and giving my kids hugs and asking forgiveness when i lose it with them, and keep taking deep breaths, and then it's close to 4:00 and I realize i'm going to make it without having a panic attack or begging Jason to come work from home because I'm so scared of being alone with three kids four and under (barely, barely four). And that's something i'm so thankful for! (I'm sure Jason is, too...)

I still don't go anywhere with all three kids, and i feel overwhelmed most days. There are still days when I feel like nothing will ever be good again, but there are also days when i just feel happy for no particular reason, and that fills me with hope. Certainly God is with me in the darkness in ways i never would have known otherwise, but it's also really nice to be appreciating beauty and sunshine and people in ways that were impossible even a couple months ago. I feel like I can fight now, instead of be toppled and suffocated so quickly by depression. 

Thank you, Jesus. 

Also, speaking of thanking God, Penny thanked him tonight for each and every family member's hair. Perhaps she instinctively knows God knows every hair of heads, and cares for us greatly.