From the depths

I've been pondering a post on pregnancy and depression for a long time now, but never really seem to have the time. This afternoon, though, Jason is working from home and has the girls set up in front a movie so I can rest. And maybe the time has finally come to post. :)

It's been hard coping with depression while pregnant -- i mean, it's hard being pregnant anyway! And pregnancy hormones just make me a wreck. I was starting to really feel good again last summer, too, which makes the very big change now harder to deal with. I do think those days will come again, but the thought of the next months is terrifying to me. Literally, today i don't know how i will survive and i have been crying off and on for about five hours now because i just can't help it. (Thank you, God, for an hour nap in there, though!) But i do think by God's grace I WILL survive, just like most moms of three do. I understand now why some moms take their own life, or even more tragically the lives of their kids, and honestly I feel far more sympathy than judgement. But I want to be a heart that holds - or is held - on. 

I don't really have any coping strategies here, other than talk to people you trust and listen to music that reminds you to hope. (And pray a lot!) Those things have helped a lot. My meds are nice, too, but not helping much anymore. Today i finally called my doctor and said i really need help figuring out a better plan, because as this baby gets bigger, i feel worse by the week. And that doesn't bode well for taking care of a newborn and two toddlers (even if Kaylen seems more like a preschooler). 

Anyway, not a very cheerful or often-talked-about subject, but one where honesty can help. The things that cheer me on are verses like "no one can snatch you out of my hand" and "even in the darkest valley i will fear no evil" - and i'm learning in these very weak and humbling circumstances that God can be trusted and is holding me fast. I am not personally considering self-harm, but i've thought a lot about those who have, and i believe that having entrusted myself to Jesus, even if I were to fail completely and take my own life, HE would not have failed me and he would still hold me fast. I don't know if i'm saying that in a way that makes sense, but his faithfulness through ALL circumstances is what gives me hope; neither death (even self-inflicted) nor life, nor height nor depth, can separate me from the love of Christ. 

This is more rambling than I wanted, but i do need to get back to my "must do" vs "i only think i must do" list-making, so no time for polishing. 

I'll just end with part of my new theme song, "Every New Day," by Five Iron Frenzy, a lovely obnoxious band I listened to a decade ago and have recently rediscovered:

     "Man vs the world, mankind vs me, the troubles go on, the wisdom i lack, the burdens keep piling up on my back. It's so hard to breathe, to take the next step. The mountains are high, I'm weighed in the depth, yearning for grace, and hoping for peace -- dear God, increase!   Healing hands of God, have mercy on our ungrateful souls once again. Jesus Christ, light of the world, burning bright within our hearts forever....only you can make every new day seem so new."

[thought this published on Friday. Today, btw, is much much better.]