The Anniversary

[Actually written on 2/23]

I was thinking about this post for half the afternoon, but now that I sit down to start it, my first thought is "I can't!" But really it's something I've been thinking about for much longer than today and want to get out. Plus, since it's happened, I've discovered there a lots and lots of women who've been through the same thing.

Last February 28, Jason and I went to the doctor expecting to see an ultrasound with a wiggling, tiny baby and a heartbeat. What we found out was our baby had stopped growing about two weeks before, at eight weeks. That's the hardest thing I've ever gone through, although I'm really glad I didn't have to do it alone. Jason took the rest of the day off work and he told me I could wake him up anytime in the middle of the night if I was thinking about it and couldn't sleep. I couldn't ask for a better husband. But I still grieve sometimes over that baby that I lost so early.

And now that I have Kaylen on the way, new reminders come up. Everyone asks, "Is this your first?" And I always hesitate a split second before saying "yes," but I know that's the answer to what they're really asking. (Not to mention, I don't feel like spilling my guts to the nice lady at the checkout counter...) I know it doesn't matter, that Kaylen will be our firstborn daughter and I couldn't be happier about it, but at the back of my mind so often there's the thought "but there was Bubz!"  Yes...we nicknamed our first baby Bubz at about week five of pregnancy. And I always think of "him" as a boy.

Anyway, I know now it's not a big deal, but at first there was an actual feeling of guilt when I knew everyone assumed (or was told) that Kaylen was our first little one. Now I don't feel guilty, but I guess there's still enough feelings there to be compel me to spill my guts about it. :)

So Bubz would be five months old, but instead he has a sister who will likely be born in another 5-7 weeks. I've thought about it a lot and don't think Kaylen is a replacement baby, exactly. I mean, it's no good thinking of what might have been and comparing to what is -- because I loved my first baby and now I love Kaylen dearly and can't wait to meet her.  Funny how quickly attached you can get to something so small (and currently invisible)!

After it happened, I really wasn't interested in hearing any Bible verses about how God has a plan for all things, etc. But over and over things would come to mind like Jesus's statement, "I AM the resurrection and the life." And that was really what helped the most -- and still helps when dealing with the "he would have been five months old" thoughts. I think there can be a place in God's kingdom for a baby who didn't make it past the first trimester, just as there can be for me and Jason and Kaylen. And there's no way I can make sense of it beyond that -- but I don't feel like I have to.

And that is the story of Bubz.